Monday, May 7, 2012

Say What?!

Me, age 2
I'm not a parent myself but have been exposed to many miniature versions of ourselves over the years.  

Lately my interaction with children, usually at Walmart or the grocery store, has been less then pleasant.  I get lemon face at the sound of shrieking little ones running rabid at my feet and I'd imagine my discomfort has very little to do with my lack of experience.  

I mean, you parents can't be completely numb to the sound of screaming children right?  

I have a lot of Mom friends who love their mini mes more then anything on this earth but are very vocal about not liking other people's kids.  I get that.  The closest thing I have to human children are my younger sister's kids.  I was there when they were born (thank you for the best form of birth control - that's another blog post all together!) I lived with them for the first few years of their lives and maintain a pretty close relationship with them even 2000 miles away.  They are fun, beautiful little creatures who drive me absolutely bonkers.  They too hold the shrieking gene.  In fact, I make money off of this obnoxious talent.  I set the expectation that every time that blood curdling noise comes from their sweet faces, they owe me a quarter.  Let's just say I've made a buck or two in a weekend.  

I'm trailing from the initial purpose of this post.  Each day I giggle at the Facebook updates left by all of the Moms and Dads describing how completely hilarious their children are.  

First, I'd like share a few child hood stories of my own before getting into the real good stuff.

Me, age 6 - Jaime, age 3

  • 8 year old (Me) : Jaime, if you don't hurry you are going to be tardy! (In reference to us being late to school)
  • 5 year old Jaime (younger sister): Oh yeah, well you have testicles in your head!
  • 5 year old Jaime: "MOM! CORIE CALLED ME RETARDED!!"

    This is something Jaime and I still reference to this day.  I can see where a child might get tardy and retarded confused buy where my 5 year old sister first heard the word testicle is beyond us!

    Me (3) and Jaime (1)

    I also remember being a child and saying "Mom" so many times that she finally told me to stop and call her Sherri.  

    I can't forget learning about where babies came from.  From the neighbor kids.  For a few hours I was convinced that a MAN grew a baby in his head.  His head would open up and the baby would come out.  My Dad suffers from migraine headaches so I thought for sure he was having a baby!

    Funny Facebook Posts and Random Quotes

    Audrey, age 7
    • "I always fee like I'm being watched.  By a duck or something."
    •  "Audrey gave me a hint of what she made me for my birthday.  She said it's made with toilet paper and love.  LOL!"
    • Audrey was 4 years old. I asked her if she wanted some cheese. She said " I don't like American Cheese" I said "since when?" She said "since the 80's"
    • I made a healthy pasta dinner one day and the kids didn't like it. Audrey told me it tasted like drain pipe.
    It's What's For Dinner...
    • There was this picture of Obama in the paper. He had his hand raised in the air kind of like he was waving. Audrey at 3 years old said "He wants a five dollar foot long". This was back when Subway had a ton of 5 dollar foot long commercials on TV. Not sure if you remember or not...

      Olivia, age 4
      • My daughter describing what she thinks a crush is that she has on a boy. "It means you love them and don't want them to know."
      Barb, age 4 (Audrey's Mother when she was a kid)
      • "Boys have a pinochle and girls have a bagina"
      Braden, age6
      • "So my uncle Adam is the one with less hair because when you are bald, you are just bald you know!"
      Garrett, age...
      • After getting a bad spider bite, he looked at his Mother and flicked his wrist, doing the Spider Man web blast and said "it's not working!" he was so upset he didn't become Spider Man. 

        I wanted to take it step further and interview these fine young Americans.  Here are some of the answers.

        Why do you like being a kid?
        • "I get to play with friends and eat more sweets." - Jaida, age 10
        • "Because i don't have to work." - Kylee, age 10
        • "Because it's the best thing ever and I get to play soccer, it's the best thing in my life, it's like never being here but it's like you care about it." - Sel, age 5
        • "Because I'm alive." - Audrey, age 7
        • "When you get older, you can't do as much stuff and you have to pay people to do things for you." - Kendahl, age 10
         What advise would you give your parents?
        • "Don’t be so dorky! My mom spends all of her time on the internet- doing her homework.  Parents should let their kids have fun.” - Ella, age 8
        • "Don't eat until dinner." - Javi, age 6
        • "Instead of being stressed, relax and have fun like kids do." -Jaida, age 10

        Tell me about a funny time in your life.
        • "When I went on a roller coaster and I threw up a little bit and swallowed it." - Olivia, age 8
        • "I ran into a wall." - Javi, age 6
        • "Today for example, we were playing hide and go seek with Jason and he kept making pit farts!" - Karsyn, age 7
        • “When I was at school we were practicing writing cursive and when we got to the letter “P” this kid Jonathan started yelling “Pee!”  Everyone laughed so hard that apple juice came out our nose.” - Ella, age 8

        What do you want to be when you grow up ?

        What do you think makes a person pretty?

        At what age would you consider someone to be old?

        What is the hardest thing about being a kid?

        Why do you think the sky is blue?
        • "Because God made it that way."  When asked why it's not green or purple - " Because, that is not how the sky exists.  It's got to be blue, we asked him to make it blue, and God painted it because he likes blue.  It is his favorite color!"- Sel, age 4
        • "It just is." - Ryleigh, age 11
        • "So you can see the sun." - Javi, age 6
        • "I have no idea, really." - Karsyn, age 7

        Does anyone else have funny kid stories?  They sure say the darnedest things.  Pure, honest and no shame.  Sometimes that can be a formula for embarrassment if they over-share in public.   

        Thanks to the friends who helped me with interviewing their children and sharing these hilarious stories!

        I recently stumbled upon a pretty hilarious site called Not Safe For The FridgeHere you will find rogue artwork created by your imaginative children.  Audrey's Mom, sent me a great piece her daughter's friend constructed.  

        If you have unsafe art you want displayed for the blog world to see, submit at

        Those dogs play funny...


        Wednesday, March 21, 2012

        Krav Maga

        Several months ago my Husband tossed around the idea of joining a gym and starting Krav Maga.......

        Krav Maga from Wikipedia 
        (The name in Hebrew means "hand-to-hand-combat".)
        A noncompetitive eclectic self-defense system developed in Israel that involves striking techniques, wrestling and grappling. Krav Maga is known for its focus on real-world situations and extremely efficient. brutal counter-attacks.
        Krav Maga has a philosophy emphasizing threat neutralization, simultaneous defensive and offensive maneuvers, and aggression. Krav Maga is used by Israeli Defense Forces, both regular and special forces, and several closely related variations have been developed and adopted by law enforcement and intelligence forces, special police and military.  
                                  .......we've been talking about doing more things together  for a while.  It just so happens that his handful of hobbies don't fall into my definition of a good time (and vice versa).  
        • George wants to jump out of an air plane - I want to have my feet planted on the ground waiting for him to land.  
        • George likes to race motorcycles and cars - I like to read books.   
        • George likes to shoot assault riffles - I have mad glue gun skills. 

        Are you seeing a pattern here?

        After watching a few Krav Maga style fights on YouTube, the passive part of me couldn't help but think my Husband was out of his freaking mind.  Outside of "day dream" beating the hell out of my high school arch nemesis, I've never been in a physical altercation and couldn't imagine I ever would or could be.  

        Since moving over 2000 miles away from friends and family (5 years ago) I've gained a very different perspective on life.  
        • From trying new foods (eating vegetables for me was always a struggle - comparable to eating some of the grotesque things you see on Fear Factor)
        • To getting my CCW (guns have always freaked me out)
        • To flying 3 - 5 times a year (my first flight was when I was 25 - always said I'd never fly).  
        So, even though Krav Maga sounded absurd, I wasn't ready to completely dismiss the idea. 

        Krav Maga used in the movie Enough

        We continued to research the fighting style and began to "condition" ourselves a few weeks prior to our trial run.  

        • Defend Yourself in Any Situation
        • Get into Great Shape - strength, stamina, endurance, and flexibility will also increase
        • Great for Stress Reduction – many people deal with stress because they are fearful and anxious. When you learn Krav Maga, you’ll learn how to deal with that stress, how to function with it, and how you can recover. You’ll also learn how to get tough internally and externally. Also, since it is such a high energy workout, it will work as a stress reliever too.
        • Confidence in Yourself will be Built
        • Situational Awareness
        • Exciting Training that is Enjoyable - something the Husband and I can do together!
        • Fear of getting hurt
        • Fear of looking stupid
        • Laziness (as in I'm lazy and don't want to sweat)
        • Expensive

        Decisions, decisions....

        Day 1 (Trial Day)

        The moment we stepped into the gym we had a few moments before things got real.   There was a mix of young and old.  Men and woman lined up in a straight line facing the eager instructors.  We were directed to turn around and bow to the photo of Imi Lichtenfeld, the founder of the Krav Maga self defense systems then back around to our instructors then again to one another (I'm making it sound like this took a long time - really about 3 seconds).

        After  warm up exercises we were thrown into some serious cardio drills - jumping jacks, lunges, bicycle crunches, sit ups, push ups, football drills (running in place like a crazy fool), partner push ups (face to face - push up - clap your partner's hand - push up - hand clap - etc ) up, down, up, down.... repeat....

        Water break / internal cursing

        Find a partner - same sex.

        We learned how to get out of a bear hug - from behind and/or from the side.
        Combat drill  - 40 minutes or so
        • Partner holds flat punching bag
        • Instructor calls out each command
          • covers - (partner drives punching bag into your head while you attempt to block it with forearms and elbows
          • knees - (grip your partners neck with the right palm, grab their bicep with the left hand and drill your knee into their groin aka the punching bag)
          • palm strikes (constant striking with palm)
        • Third person comes behind to bear hug - going back and forth from getting out of bear hug and following through with punching bag commands
        Last 10 minutes of class - cardio drills again

        So - we sign up

        Since then we've done a total of
        • 3 - Krav Maga classes
        • 1 - Punching Bag class

        What I've learned (not that I could apply all of the moves successfully just yet)
        • How to get out of a bear hug
        • How to get out of a choke hold
        • elbow strikes
        • palm strikes
        • knee strikes
        • the meaning of "five on three"
        • front kicks
        • side kicks
        • dehydration is serious - found out the hard way
        • I hate cardio - especially army crawls and high jumps
        • I'm gaining weight and it's frustrating
        • I need to stop apologizing and caring if I look stupid while doing this
        • I may need to go back to the Dr and re check my asthma
        • This isn't for sissies ;)

        Tuesday, March 6, 2012

        Draw Something & Chapter 5

        Here is my latest addiction and HUGE distraction...has anyone fell into the powerless grip of this game?  I used to think I could draw... nope, not even a little bit.  Also, I must have the fattest finger ever.  I'm currently playing about 70 million people right now with no stopping point in sight.  It started with Words With Friends then Hanging With Friends now I draw stick figures all day long!!!  The worst is when it is your turn to guess said drawing... only to see that the "artist" has spelled out the word after many failed attempts.  I literally had to place my phone on the table across the room so that I could sit down and focus on a new blog post!  I feel naked and lost with out my phone and I know someone has guessed my drawing.... so I know that it is my turn times at least 8.  Also I struggle with content I want to add that does not belong here.  Design DNA may make a comeback soon enough. Alright, raise your glasses to chapter 5 - please remember the tab next to "home" will house the story from beginning to end.

        Chapter 5

              Drea was drawn to his familiarity.  His black almond shaped eyes, intense and comforting which should have terrified the young girl kept her close.  It wasn’t until after Draden successfully planted his seed did Drea begin to put the pieces together.  The beginning phase of his plan was right on schedule so there was no need to carry on with the absurd courtship.  Drea’s intoxicating romance was unexpectedly extinguished while her now changing body would forever be a lingering shadow of her happiness’s sudden and mysterious demise.  He became extremely cold towards his young bride violently draining her spirit, bringing her back to the life she thought she had left behind.  Draden left her emotionally abandoned and physically exhausted and once again a prisoner of her own home.
              Her only escape was the short hike to town which never went unsupervised.  Their intense stares pierced through her like sharp daggers as she walked through the island.  Though for no honorable reason, Drea had often become the topic of conversation.  She could hear their whispers through the wind as the island women concocted stories of Drea’s position in Draden’s world.  It was evident to Drea of her Husband’s arrangement with many of the towns’ women.  Their jealousy and hatred towards her made it incredibly difficult to maintain meaningful friendships; leaving her sad and lonely.  Every trip made away from Draden’s lair, Drea became more aware of her increasingly dangerous predicament.  Although obviously alone amongst the towns’ people, she felt as though something was trying to pull her from the corrupt environment. 
              The whispers had returned; this time leaving her unable to translate the soft hissing.  Time and again she checked over her shoulder, sure someone was there.  Since meeting Draden, she was less connected to the sounds of the wild.  Recent reminders proved to be both hopeful and depressing.  How could she have forgotten who she was? 
              Drea slowly walked down the main strip of the village.  She passed several boutique windows taking in all of their contents.  Unintentionally making eye contact with one of the sales associate she nodded, smiling warmly.  The women in the window dressing her mannequin for the new season half smiled back at Drea.  Realizing who was looking back at her the woman raised her nose slightly and flashed Drea a dry smile.  Although deeply disliked in the town, Draden made sure Drea dressed well.  Which meant, fake or not, the shop owners played nice as to keep Drea coming back.  She peered past each display and watched the people.  Imagining herself as a part of each family.  She was the happy daughter excited to buy a new dress with her mother.  She was the proud mother helping her daughter pick out wedding dresses.  She was the best friend buying drinks and appetizers.  Reaching the last store, she ran out of windows to escape in.  Drea crossed the street, pulling her sweater closed as she caught a chill.  She would repeat the same game on the opposite side of the street peering into the lives of the villagers.  Reaching the first store she caught a reflection of someone walking beside her.  He was only a few inches taller than she.  Light hair and light eyes she thought.  It was so fast.   Drea looked to her side to see nothing but empty space.  Perhaps she had enough walking for the day.  The sun was a sliver in the distance causing the lamp posts to turn on, lighting her path down the strip.  The air was becoming cooler as the sun disappeared.  Drea hugged herself rubbing her hands up and down her arms for warmth.  She widened her strides as to pick up the pace.  She turned the corner colliding into the arms of Detective Randy Creston.  “Oh! Excuse me!” Drea said in a startled voice.  “Drea, are you ok?” Detective Creston glared down at Drea with a cocked eyebrow.  “I’m fine Randy.  I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.  I guess my head is elsewhere.” She shrugged at the detective holding herself tighter.  “Well it’s getting cold, you should get home Drea.”  The Detective squeezed her arm lightly, turning the corner.


        Sunday, February 19, 2012

        Design DNA and Chapter 4

        I'm missing my crafting adventures but want to finish this story that haunts my dreams.  It has dragged on for what seems like a life time.  I'm never satisfied with the outcome...not for long anyway.  It forces me to F5 about every few months...a refresh is always good from time to time.  I walk away bored out of my mind and return with a new perspective.  

        Many months ago I began contributing to Design DNA - the idea was/is 2 sisters who love to craft/DIY/party plan.  It became a way of documenting many of my/our craft projects with a huge emphasis on Halloween, posting a minimum of twice per week.  My attention span fizzled out way ahead of my creativity.  It really became a part time job keeping up as diligently as I had.  


        I'm not really a writer.  I can't spell to save my life.  I have to re read and write a sentence 10 times before it possibly makes sense. It's unfinished business for me and ten years in the making.  I'm always drawn back in...

        Chapter 4

              His name was Draden.  Everything about him was intimidating, though intensely intriguing.  Women were drawn to his mesmerizing dark eyes and hypnotizing voice.  It was a deep, unforgettable tone that was permanently carved into the souls of the innocent and willing parties that crossed his path.  Draden was a shape shifter able to mimic others.  He was capable of pealing the layers of one’s soul; tapping into their weaknesses and strengths and mastered the art of manipulation.
              The callow newlywed was frightened of her hellish consort.  He had preposterous demands and inconceivable habits which Drea was unwilling to subject her or her unborn children to.  Draden paraded around the island as though he were an idolized King.  He was a man addicted to lust and immoral behavior and prayed on the virginal and the innocent who were unaware of his callus intentions.  The deceitful man was not an ordinary being and Drea was now aware.  He was an immortal creature that not only desired the virginal and innocent but also depended on their purity to exist.  What Drea was unaware of was that she was one of Draden’s many innocent victims.  He had bigger plans for his new bride.
              Draden was desperate to carry on his legacy and finding the right vessel to carry his seed had become quite the challenge.  He needed not only the purist sole, but an equal match in power.  He yearned to produce a being so strong and magical that anyone who crossed him would be rendered powerless.  Drea completely contrasted his entire being and as a consequence, Draden knew their offspring would possess the tools needed to become the ultimate warriors.
              It had become too easy for Draden to find his way into the graces of Drea’s parents, conveniently running into them each Sunday after service.  He was a very convincing mirage of faith and stability and was quickly brought to their home to meet their young daughter.  She became positively smitten with the young man.  His eyes, they were so familiar.
              Draden knew of Drea’s unique abilities long before she was aware of his intentions.  It was easy for him to casually ease his way into the child’s world.  She longed for attention, to be accepted and loved.  He had studied her for years, familiarizing himself with everything Drea.  It was imperative she trust him before he made his move.  What better way to win the child’s trust and learn her inner most desires but to present himself as a free spirited forest animal.  He became her protector, her savior and best friend.  Oscar.
              They courted for several months as her parents pushed her further and further into the arms of the charming predator.  She was blinded by the only human love she had known.  It wasn’t long however, before the blindness faded.  Those eyes she thought to be so familiar and loving had revealed their true intentions.  He was on a power-lust mission.
              Draden’s plan was to remove Drea, take the children and raise them to use their powers for evil and wickedness.  He wanted his children to become leaders and share his throne of darkness; together they would be untouchable.  To his dismay, Draden would soon realize the glitches in his ever so thought out plan.